Darlene Benton

Making Choices Column

Solitary Living                        Making Choices Column        

12 April 2003

            By Darlene Benton

            The number of people we affect or who are present in our daily lives seems to correlate with the amount of stress we assimilate. For many of us, the pressure of many people takes its toll on our peace of mind, body and spirit.

            My work connects me with people I choose to be with, mostly on a one on one basis. I savor this solitary life, allowing a connection from my heart to each reader and client. There are times when days go by and I never leave my home, yet my clients come, one by one, 10-12 hours a day. Then I retire to writing and reading and get up the next day to begin again, enjoying each person in my life.

            Even my holidays are rather solitary now. On this Labor Day weekend I enjoyed waking up at my friend Cathy’s. She requested I begin instructing her in Qi Gong and Tai Chi Chuan, a set of movements and immune exercises connected to the I Ching, a book of changes. What a unique way to celebrate a holiday of former chaos and commitments.

            We first sat and watched the blue jays, cardinals, finches and squirrels at the feeders. No rushing around, just chatting and then exercises. We showered then went for a long walk. Peaceful, personal and productive time together.

            After driving home and arriving to a quiet house, I enjoyed a lily I bought for a celebration of spring and the sunshine through the windows. All was quiet. No family pretenses or conversations about remodeling or new cars like I’ve struggled with before.

            Some people have family and friends they enjoy, but many, like me, still choose to live more solitary lives. For me, reading or listening to music, writing or practicing some form of meditative activity or simply resting and enjoying peace are all more important than social gatherings that offer less meaningful interaction.

            I’ve always been a “triple A” personality, rushing, filling time and becoming. At some point we all benefit from finding peace with ourselves. Places like social gatherings, malls and meetings serve only to drain us instead of recharging our spirits like quiet time does.

            It’s a wonder any of us even know who we are anymore because we spend so little time alone with ourselves. Maybe if we paused long enough to hear the small voice within our hearts in solitary moments we would be capable of creating lives of peace instead of the constant chaos that exists in the world today. I’ve discovered there is great value in solitary living.

 

Copyright 2004, Darlene Benton

For comments write: Making Choices, PO Box 28, Albion, NY 14411 or e-mail paradise313@verizon.net

Making Choices

Tempers          Making Choices Column         28 February 2004

            By Darlene Benton

            At one time or another we all lose our temper. But for some, ranting and raging is a part of daily life, either as the giver or receiver.

            Lately I’ve listened to a number of people express their frustration with someone they care about who regularly loses their temper. Experiencing this behavior causes a great deal of stress physically and emotionally.

            Part of being human is having certain chemicals in our bodies that get ignited into a “fight or flight” response to stressful and potentially harmful situations. Over time, the immune system becomes weakened from repetitive stressful encounters. Living and working with people who lose their tempers causes this chemical reaction in everyone who is exposed to it.

            Our culture has evolved in a way that encourages haste and repetition. It appears people with tempers too quickly “fly off the handle” and are caught up in repeating this behavior without thinking clearly and calmly about situations.

            I don’t’ watch much TV anymore but from what I remember, there were a number of shows where it was common for tempers to be part of the sitcom. Popular video games also go way beyond a place of calm with smashing and killing as the major part of most games. The evening news always has a lot of this too.

            I’ve lived with a lot of tempers throughout my life. I also developed the habit of expressing myself with a temper for a large part of my life. But I chose to change that behavior because I didn’t like that part of who I had become.

            I have many friends who remember similar parts of their childhood and its fallout. Some have gone to counseling for years to overcome the trauma from words spoken in angst.

            People are capable of making great changes and corralling a temper is possible. But one has to see the value in not losing their temper, and more importantly, develop coping techniques that are necessary to quit just about anything from smoking to gambling.

            The benefits of controlling our emotional outbursts are many. We can feel better about whom we are, be healthier and develop caring instead of dysfunctional relationships.

            Anger management creates a more fulfilling life and furthers instead of destroys our most sacred relationships. To continue a path of rage not only destroys our spirit but everyone who touches our lives. The storms we release contribute to a world of war instead of peace. World peace begins in our hearts and manifests via our tongues and temperament.

Copyright 2004, Darlene Benton

For comments write: Making Choices, PO Box 28, Albion, NY 14411 or e-mail paradise313@verizon.net

www.darlenebenton.com

Financial Freedom

Financial Freedom     Making Choices Column         31 October 2006

            By Darlene Benton

            There are very few people who have no financial issues weighing on them. Our modern culture in developed nations cheers us on to keep buying and doesn’t do much to encourage saving.

            According to Mark Blessington in his column entitled “Getting Right With Money,” in Sacred Fire magazine, “Since the late 1980’s our savings rates (personal savings divided by personal income) have dropped to incredibly low levels, and have been at 1.2 percent of personal income for the last two years. In other words, we spend almost every penny we earn.”

            Since I’ve been on the planet few people have shown me the importance of taking good care of myself and my Spirit and even less about how to manage my finances. If we understand that everything is part of the whole, then we might realize that our financial health bears on our being as much as our physical health.

            Over buying is related to the fear of never having enough. Blessington notes, “Our ‘consumption compulsion’ drives an incredible addiction to debt... (and) it would take a full year of income to pay off all of our personal debt. Only 20 percent of our annual income would have been needed to pay off our debt back in 1946.”

            What has occurred in my lifetime is a shift in income versus expenses. Most of us don’t really make enough money to do and have all that we are teased with on billboards, in stores and in commercial media. They tell us we can have it all to be happy but the more we buy the more in debt we become and the more stress we encumber.

            To stop the spiral of debt and its concurrent stress we would need to choose to spend less and make more money. Considering many fall short in the arena of being able to increase income the answer lies in decreasing spending.

            One of the largest expenses is owning a motor vehicle and supporting our living arrangements. On average one individual spends about $700 a month to maintain a motor vehicle with the insurance, upkeep, payments and gas, not to mention the registration, license and highway taxes. That adds up to a lot of hours we work to support a vehicle, not even our bodily needs.

            If we are to surface and enjoy financial freedom we would have to choose to spend a lot less on everything, especially vehicles and households. An awareness of everything we spend, thinking about saving and always being mindful of how many hours we have to work to really own something might be helpful values.

            Our creativity about money is a very furthering quality. Even if we never learned this idea we might begin to look at finances as an aspect of freedom.  Let’s begin to look at abundance as a creative venture filled with potential instead of something that is frightful and restrictive.

Copyright 2006, Darlene Benton

For comments write: Making Choices, PO Box 28, Albion, NY 14411 or e-mail paradise313@verizon.net

             

Making Altars

Making Altars                        Making Choices Column 26 June 1998

            By Darlene Benton

            When I was a child I learned to make May altars for the celebration of spring and for religious purposes. As a teenager, I arranged my jewelry, special photos, and my favorite movie or concert ticket stubs on my dresser like offerings to the gods. Everyone arranges their possessions at one point or another in their lives. Some of the reasons include an attempt to better organize ourselves or sometimes to recreate a special moment or memory.

            Different cultures and religions also arrange certain objects, but for ceremonial purposes. Anyone who has attended a religious ceremony can easily see the arrangement of chalices, linens and other objects upon the altar as a major portion of the actual ceremony.

            We model the ceremony of making altars with many different belongings. I know people whose closets are arranged with so much detail in the configuration of shoes, jewelry, clothes and other accessories they almost resemble the displays in retail stores, which resemble replicas of altar-like offerings from ancient ceremonies.

            We arrange altars wherever we want to establish our presence. In our homes; our entertainment centers, kitchen counters and workbenches become revered spaces. Even on an overnight stay at a hotel we can sometimes find ourselves arranging our belongings in an almost systematic configuration to establish a level of comfort, or ownership, in our temporary abode. Our cars, yards and offices are also places where we attempt to personalize our space.

            The original purpose of an altar was an elevated place for the offering of sacrifices and gratefulness. The ceremony attempted to pay homage to a designated deity, hopefully protecting those making the offering from evil or harm. Sometimes food, flowers or other types of gifts were left as symbols of the level of commitment to the belief in the power of the ceremony and its desired outcome.

            Unfortunately, modern altars in our homes, bearing collections of knick knacks, multitudes of power tools and gadgets symbolize consuming instead of offerings. We display many of our possessions to demonstrate our status and interests instead of our humility and generosity to others.

            Amassing possessions has not provided out society with a sense of security. The more we arrange our belongings, the more we fear losing them. We’ve become tangled in having instead of giving.

            We might consider making our rendition of altars a way for us to give praise, to honor hour gifts and those of others. The flowers we grow, the tables we set and the item we fix for our neighbor all bear resemblance to an offering. No matter where we are in the realm of cherished items, let’s take time each day to be thankful, recognize others, nature and the spirit that lies within each of us. Our possessions only detract from the real meaning of life.

Copyright 1998, Darlene Benton

For comments write: Making Choices, PO Box 28, Albion, NY 14411 or e-mail www.darlenebenton.com

Paradise313@verizon.net

 

           

Conflict

Making Choices Column        As seen in Marketplace Publications

            By Darlene Benton

            It appears many people on the planet are overwhelmed with conflict. Warring nations, families, governments and neighbors are the norm for daily existence.

            Conflict is normal as we are all a little different in how we view the world. But spending most of one’s life in conflict without a caring spirit leaves little room for personal peace.

            A few years ago I learned from a dear friend that if I continued to allow chaos and conflict to infest my daily life, there could be no peace. At the time it seemed easy for someone else to believe but impossible to make my own reality.

            The path of peace is paved with many choices. My desire for peace became so intense; I chose to separate from anyone whose focus was on what wasn’t working in their life and with me. No matter how deep my love was for anyone, I had to love myself more to avoid conflict.

            There comes a point when if there is nothing that can be done to change a dysfunctional situation, we can move on. When caring for a loved one who is dying, this idea doesn’t apply, but for just about every other relationship, I believe we owe it to ourselves to find peace.

            Our media has mesmerized us into believing chaos is just the way life is. But whatever we give energy to expands.

            Spending most days with media, jobs and people in chaos fuels a conflict mentality. Sensationalizing everything from health issues to war, we become caught up in problems beyond our control.

            The way to put an end to this type of daily life is to make things as simple as possible. Being nice to one another and caring enough about ourselves to expect the same in return is a simple yet furthering path.

When people and situations don’t fit this pattern, we have a choice to make it so. We have the power to create whatever we desire in our lives but fear is the inhibitor.

A simple life with a few special people in it, doing work we love and choosing peace in our free time are not beyond one’s control. Yet because this is a rare occasion in our world, it is a lonely path.

Saying no to conflict and drama takes courage and a strong will because most people around us feed their egos on this way of being. It means living more privately but ultimately more peacefully.

Resolving conflict in our own lives and making peace is like a ripple in the ocean of world chaos. If enough of us choose to live our lives peacefully, our light will cause waves of peace around the planet.

Copyright 2005, Darlene Benton

For comments write: Making Choices, PO Box 28, Albion, NY 14411 or e-mail paradise313@verizon.net

www.darlenebenton.com